How People Pleasing Keeps You From Finding Your Real Self & Your Tribe

“Be yourself so the people looking for you can find you” is sound advice. But you know what the problem is? Most of us don’t even know what "being ourselves" means because we’ve been shapeshifting for approval since the third grade (or much earlier than that). We grew up feeling anxious about being too much, not enough, too loud, too soft, too different. So we learnt to read the room, fit in, keep the peace, and silence those parts of us that could invite judgment, rejection, or the dreaded what's-wrong-with-you look. Over time, the people pleasing face became the only version of us that felt safe to show the world. And that's how we ended up confusing self-protection for selfhood. We became people pleasers.

But hold on, let's go back to that advice for a bit, and think. You can't be found if you’re in stealth mode 24/7, right? If you keep cosplaying the role of the non-problematic person, then the people who’d actually love your weird, soft, chaotic brilliance will walk right past you. Because they probably aren't looking for anyone who is just non-problematic. They're looking for someone more vibrant. But your colors aren't visible to them because you're in camouflage mode, right?. You're someone non-problematic. That's all. How would they notice you then?

Being yourself isn’t about oversharing online or choosing chaos over kindness. It’s about not shrinking into an approved template. It’s about risking a little rejection now, so that later you don’t end up surrounded by people who only vibe with the version of you that’s dying for a nap and a personality reboot.

Because, I believe that the right people aren’t just out there somewhere. They’re also tired like you, also weird like you, also too much like you, and also hoping that someone else goes first.

So… you might as well shed the mask and make the first move, right? Towards showing your colors and tints and shades and depths?

Worst case? You feel free.

Best case? You finally find your people.

And that’s a flex no curated aesthetic can beat.