You know what’s really unfortunate? There's this imaginary rulebook that people think survivors or victims are supposed to follow.

She should’ve screamed. She should’ve fought back. They should’ve run.

In reality, the human body doesn't come with a manual. It comes with instincts. And when someone is in danger, especially during something as terrifying as sexual assault, survival doesn't always look like a scene from an action movie. It looks like freezing. Shutting down. Complying. Going quiet. Dissociating. And none of that makes someone “less of a victim” or “too passive.”

Survival is messy. It’s not a performance for onlookers to rate. It’s your nervous system doing whatever it can to keep you alive.

Yet in therapy sessions, I often meet people carrying deep guilt and shame. Not because of what happened to them, but because of how they responded. That shame? It's not theirs to hold. It's what society hands out freely when it doesn’t understand trauma responses. And when we internalize victim-blaming ideas, it gets even harder to heal.

Let’s break it down.

Some people freeze when caught in a dangerous situation. Some try to calm the attacker. Some try to leave quietly. Some resist. All of these are instinctive, protective reactions. And none of them mean that the person did the “wrong” thing.

In fact, sometimes the safest thing to do is not fighting back. Because not every perpetrator is the same. Some are violent and impulsive. Others are calculating. Some might escalate if challenged. What works in one situation could be dangerous in another. And that’s the thing. Survivors don’t get the luxury of a “safe” choice. Only a choice that might keep them alive in the moment.

We spend time asking questions about what the victim did or didn’t do. But that just doesn’t do any good. Neither to the survivor, nor to the society’s general wellbeing.

Here are some questions we should be spending more time on.

“What gave the attacker the confidence that they could get away with this?” instead of "Why didn't the victim scream?"

“Why did the attacker feel entitled to control someone else’s body?” instead of "Why didn't the victim fight back?"

“Why did the attacker feel justified in making someone feel unsafe in the first place?” instead of "Why didn't the victim leave sooner?"

“Why is our system so unsafe and dismissive that survivors hesitate to report such incidents at all?” instead of "why didn't the victim report it immediately?

The burden of explanation should never fall on the person who was harmed.

It’s time we stopped interrogating survivors, and started interrogating the culture that protects perpetrators.

If you're looking for a trauma-informed therapist who gets it...

You deserve to talk to someone who doesn’t make you feel worse about what happened. You deserve a space that helps you feel safe in your body again. Trauma therapy can help you process, unpack, and gently rebuild.

Book a session with a queer-affirmative, social justice-oriented therapist today.

You don’t owe anyone a perfect reaction. But you do deserve peace.